Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
