i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Dicks are not precious.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
