Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
it was like eating out sand paper
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
