i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
