I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
