Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
how do flat chested girls get laid?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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