i just sent this text using only my big toe
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
