i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I did not marry a roomba.
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