you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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