I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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