We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
