I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
