If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
