i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
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Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
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I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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