Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
