just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
