I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
