i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
