My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Never underestimate the power of titties
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
