everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
