not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
