Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
