You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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