You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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