Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
