Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
