i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
