Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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