I checked into jail on foursquare
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
