Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
