That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
