why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
