I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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