I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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