what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
