We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
