you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
