Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
