I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
