dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
