hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
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I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
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I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize