You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
