Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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