You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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