just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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