her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
