Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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