dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I am available for nakedness
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
