What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
