I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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