Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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