Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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