she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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