I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
