Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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